… is lonely, never steady
… looks for love, but he can never have
… denies it, and selfish of it
… gives little care, I can not bear
… is very narcissistic and very apathetic
… is sweet in words, that never meant in the world
… is selfish, someone I never wished
… is passive aggressive, can be possessive
… is intelligent but can be negligent
… is unorganized, something I don’t patronize
… is unreliable, a person who is horrible
– end –
(another non-running post)
After my last post few things happened. I am procrastinating on my homework as I am on those low moods of mine.
It’s been the 3rd month yet still time seem not to have fixed me yet, the person who has caused the trauma and upset feelings said I will be fine in 3 months. He’s been fine since day 1. I have not realized I would have come to this point. I’ve always been a person who is able to pick myself up, start all over again.
Obviously, the situation has triggered a strong emotion of loneliness and hurt.
His reasons was attachment causes loneliness, he is not ready to commit, he can not love as much what he is being given, he feels manipulated, he blames his non responsiveness to the relation as my insecurity, I was moody, that I was co-dependent. He had lots of complaints. He’s made a mistake to get involved as it was all too good on some occasions but is limited to only good things, but he can not give back, he initiated from the start and was the first one to give up. I made a mistake for being too kind and getting my guards down. My assumptions of him was wrong. I did accept everything of who he is and his flaws.
I am trying to forgive and forget and move on. I do not want to be back with him, I wish it never happened either, it was too painful. It has brought me to depression. He never tried his best to close things properly.
This led to things and I was on medical leave for a month. Maybe I will talk about this when I am ready.
I’ve avoided him eversince, and made no contact, however he kept on contacting me. It upsets me. Some people can think and say I am a bad sport, but yes, I don’t care what other people say. It is myself and it is my emotions. One wouldn’t know how it feels not until they’re on the same situation.
Must: stop thinking negative thoughts, keep myself busy but not overly busy, meet with friends, exercise, pamper myself, have enough sleep
Thankful: friends who are always there to listen and hang out, sisters, parents
Project: Finish spring semester in Uni, travel, get a cat, forgive – for myself, start looking regular hours
I haven’t been running the past 3 months, I had a plantar fasciitis after recovering from my back/hip pain.
I was sent to work overseas – Philippines, it was okey, good to see friends and my parents. But it is now a place that was once familiar which isn’t anymore. I never thought I’d come to a day to say, I miss home – Sydney. I have lots of respect and still find Philippines as home because I have friends and my parents are there, but I find home and contentment and happiness here in Sydney. It can be lonely being far away, but I get through it. I was away 37 days.
From December last year, I fell in love with someone, i liked him very much – we had so much in common, we enjoyed each other company – I was made to believe he loved and cared for me. But while I was overseas or even before i was sent overseas, he started drifting off. He wasn’t in love with me. Yes, I am very hurt. He says, there is nothing I have done to have caused it. It’s hard to accept and move on if you get reasons like this. I am trying my best to move on. It hurts so much. Words isn’t enough to show how much the pain is.
I am forcing myself to do things I like. Nothing has been taken away from me, I do love myself, I just need to accept and let go. That was 7 months – we almost lived in each other’s space everyday that’s why its hard, we have the same friends and groups. Nothing will take the pain away for now.
I have started running to help the process of healing- slowly not to aggravate my injury. Even if it means seeing him in the running club. Force myself to go to the gym, do Yoga, and climbing even if I see him there. I know time and space should heal, however, he did not want to stay away from the places we have in common, so I have to rough it through. I am hoping slowly that pain and hurt will go away.
Writing is also therapeutic for me. No I am not going to whinge or put the details here, all i know is I am very very hurt and in emotional and psychological pain.
Hoping this will pass … day at a time.
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you
If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land”
― Pablo Neruda, Selected Poems
4/3/2014 -6.8 Kms Run + Yoga + legs
5/3/2014-Indoor Wall Climbing
6/3/2014 – Yoga
7/3/2014 – ~4 Kms TNT with Woodstock, trained alone, coaching the session
8/3/2014 – restday, lots of walking
9/3/2014 – 7 Km run -Handicap. 34:03
10/3/2014 – 10 Km run
11/3/2014 – Boxercise
22/2 – none
23/2 – brisk walk no idea how far it was @Manila
24/2 – none
25/2 – Ran 6.8 Km + core
26/2 – 1.5 hour climb
27/2 – 5 Km run
28/2 – arm weights + core
1/3 – 7 Km run
2/3 – Yoga + 1 hour climb
3/3 – none
Okey, I think my year is starting to pick up and going to get busy. Not much work to do, however lots of learning and studying at work and uni and deadlines respectively. Eeek cramming!
Been tweeting and updating too via my onelifecat FB page if you noticed.
My gym membership with Hardcandy is now activated for March, rejoined them because they gave me the same deal the first time I joined them 2 years ago, not a bad deal. Free 6 months free. Run club at work is getting active. Tomorrow will be a start of the week’s workout, too busy today to fit something in, glad my muscles are saying im sore so that means rest.
I’ve registered for City2Surf, that will be my longest distance goal for the year. I hope to still keep my red bib to run under 70 Mins for the 14Kms! I am daunted with the thought running that distance again. I know i’m not the best runner, but any insane runner would understand how pressuring it could be coming back from injury, from a past of a good PB year and now its just starting all over again. Its not even getting faster, the learning processes of acceptance and letting go of pressuring and being hard on myself, and to focus and enjoy the run and able to run again is what I should be doing.
I’ve got a 71% score for my Jantastic for the month because I missed logging my runs when I was traveling. oh well it’s not the end of the world!
Hope you are keeping fit!
While I am on holidays, it’s always difficult to organize how to get fit, running routes (very hard to find runner friendly areas and strengthening). Found out that Benguet State University where I am an alumni have new rules… I knew I’ve heard no ID policy before, but now they have placards saying “Jogging Time – 5am-7am.”
I was able to run 2x from 6pm and on the third time a guard told me “jogging” is not allowed on the time I was there. I just told them I was on my way to the oval. I found that annoying, being an alumni and if they are worried about pedestrian congestion, well, the university is closed at 6pm, officer finish at 5pm!
I was able to do my weight workout at a local gym – A&A near the provincial capitol where my sister go. So I am glad to do few runs and some workouts to balance all the lots of eating as usual.
5/2/2014 – none
6/2/2014 – none
7/2/2014 – 7.6 Km @Makati neighborhood
8/2/2014 – none
9/2/2014 – 5 km + gym arms, core, legs
10/2/2014 – none
11/2/2014 – 5.7 km
12/2/2014 – none
13/2/2014 – none
14/2/2014 – 4.6 Km
15/2/2014 – gym – whole body workout
16/2/2014 – 5.7 km
18/2/2014 – 5.7 Km run + 8.4 Km Hike
19/2/2014 – 8.4 Km Hike
20/2/2014 – none
21/2/2014 – 8.9 km